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Buying Condoms - A Step by Step Guide
Ever tried to buy condoms? It can be a real experience. People have different reactions to you depending on your age, gender, whether you are shopping alone or with a friend (and in the latter case, the gender and age of your friend), or even what you are wearing at the time. Posture, attitude and level of confidence or lack thereof can also be determining factors in the condom buying experience, so it is advisable to hang out in stores that sell the best condom selections and watch how other buyers go about their purchases
Dress up clothes and a slightly embarrassed air mean the condom buying is in advance of a hot date. This is referred to as 'hopeful condom buying'. Men can expect a slap on the back and a "go get 'em, pal"; women, on the other hand, are advised to hide the condoms under a magazine and turn imploring eyes on the clerk in hopes of not being outed as a 'loose woman'. A man buying condoms while looking nervously over his shoulder signifies a rent by the hour motel room somewhere in the surrounding five blocks. This can be confirmed by tapping him on the shoulder and exclaiming "Fancy meeting YOU here!"
A woman buying condoms while looking nervously over her shoulder, on the other hand, signifies a conflicted yet devout individual. This can also be confirmed by a tap on the shoulder, though the wording of the exclamation should be "Why, Sister, we missed you at Mass this morning!" Pajama pants, a sweated through tank top, and sneakers with no socks means the condom purchaser is currently in the middle of a sex marathon and had to make the equivalent of a beer run during the Superbowl. These individuals frankly are past the point of caring what anyone thinks and will generally leave before receiving the change from their purchase.
Then there are the couples, who make condom buying a declaration of personal choice and freedom. They can generally be identified by their loud conversation over whether Trojan condoms or Durex provide the best experience, accompanied by much giggling. It is also likely that their shopping basket will include any or all of the following: candles, KY jelly, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and assorted vegetables.
Last but not least is the respectable looking woman dressed in sensible clothes and sporting a red face, who will buy the largest assortment pack available. This buyer has in all likelihood been screwing up her courage for twenty minutes to make it up to the register and has decided by golly if she's going through with buying condoms in a public venue she's making sure she doesn't have to do it again for a good long time. (It is almost guarantee that some yahoo will stage whisper "Nympho!" as she exits the store, cementing her resolve never to buy condoms again.)
If you don't fit any of the above profiles and lack the necessary aplomb to casually toss a pack of Lifestyles ultra-large, ribbed-for-her-pleasure, lubricated rubbers on the counter along with a pack of ciggies, there is one more option. A discreet brown box can be delivered quietly to your door alongside your Yorkie's heartworm medication, and you can keep pretending (to the world at least) that you never, ever have protected sex.
For more information visit: http://www.deliveringdignity.com
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