Men, Shopping, and Tampons Don’t Mix

If women are embarrassed to buy condoms, men are doubly embarrassed to buy feminine products. They will hardly even glance down the aisle where tampons and maxi-pads rule supreme, and the mere mention of ‘Vagisil’ sends them rushing off to a football game, monster truck rally or gun show to reclaim their masculinity.

The typical male will go to great lengths to prevent the possibility of being sent out to purchase any type of feminine product. When asked to do such a thing, they will present some or all of the following excuses for not complying, reasons why they shouldn’t have to comply, and alternatives to compliance.

“I have to wash my car.”

“I have to wash my dog.”

“I was planning to wash the dishes/laundry/windows.” (signs of sheer desperation)

“I have tickets to see Guns’N’Roses in concert and have to leave right now.” (translation, I have to go hide at a friend’s house)

“Can’t you get your mom/sister/girlfriend to do it?”

“I’ll die before I buy that!” (dramatic but possibly true)

“What if the clerk thinks they are for me?” (… ???? …)

Likewise, if a man is with a woman and she needs to buy anything ‘down there’ related (tampons, maxis, scented wipes, douche, medication or what have you) he will suddenly develop deep and abiding interest in whatever is on display at the end of the aisle while the wife or girlfriend walks down to select her items.

This could be the latest Danielle Steel novel, a selection of Hallmark cards or even stuffed pink unicorns - nothing is as bad as having to stand next to a female companion who is deciding if she needs pads with wings or without. He will also be conspicuously absent at the checkout, claiming an overwhelming need to wait in the car.

None of these scenarios even come close to the ultimate worst - the single dad whose daughter is experiencing ‘the curse’. In this case, the father’s best bet is to abandon all hope, and throw himself on the mercy of a female store employee. This will involve a certain amount of nervous hand wringing and fumbling attempts to choke out the words “ummm… my daughter… needs female… stuff… I dunno… help, please!!!!” accompanied by an imploring look similar to those seen on prisoners undergoing severe torture sessions.

In general this will result in a combination of eye rolling and sympathetic laughter from the female employee, who will then lead the way to the correct aisle and helpfully select the needed items. For a bribe this same individual can often be convinced to take the feminine products through checkout, have them brown bagged, and hand-deliver them to the rattled man waiting in the parking lot.

Most women are aware of this intense resistance towards public purchase of female products on the part of men, and try to respectful of their phobia - but the unexpected can and does happen. Of course, all of the above situations can be easily avoided by planning ahead and using an online source to purchase feminine hygiene, which can then be discreetly delivered to the lady of the house… getting their male cohabitants off the hook!